Lunch
by a-silver-story
Summary: Just a bit of fun in the midst of all the depressing post-CoE stuff that's floating ATM. It's Friday lunch time - and nothing stands in between the Torchwood Team and their pub lunch ....


"Lunch time!"

Tosh, Owen, Gwen and Ianto all breathed a sigh of relief. _Finally_

They grabbed their coats and hurried towards the cog door, Ianto loitering behind to help Jack into his and walk with him to the exit.

Friday.

Pub lunch.

_Yes_.

Toshiko's computer was left mid-scan, Ianto's report abandoned part way through the word 'decompartm-" and Gwen's printer was still reeling out information. A UNIT general or something was yelling tinnily down the phone in Jack's office, while Owen's corpse still had a scalpel sticking out of its oozing liver.

Nothing got in the way of Friday Pub Lunch.

_Nothing_.

They managed to secure their usual booth, sent Gwen to get in the first round of [non-alcoholic. Okay, maybe a bit alcoholic] drinks and settled down to their menus, even though they all already knew what they were having.

Gwen: Jacket potato, cheese and beans. Cheese on first so that the cheese would be nice and molten, ready to be mushed in.

Owen: Black and blue burger. No salad: lots of ketchup. Onion rings on the side.

Toshiko: Hot tuna melt, with sweetcorn and extra cheese. Side salad, no dressing.

Jack: Braising steak sandwich with fried onions, generous helpings of mayonnaise and extra chunky chips. Another one with no salad, and usually stole onion rings when Doctor Harper was too busy looking down Toshiko/Gwen/the waitress/the nearest female's top.

Ianto: Same as Jack, only without onions and a side salad for appearances (he never ate it). He also assisted in the stealing of onion rings, if only to practice stoic indifference under pressure.

"So – how's this week been compared to last?" Jack asked as Gwen returned to the table with the drinks, complaining as usual that no one helped her.

"Noisy," sighed Toshiko.

"Busy," grumbled Owen.

"Exhausting," agreed Gwen.

Ianto smiled. "The weather held out though."

"Glorious sunshine," grinned Gwen.

"Oh God, no," groaned Owen. "Far too hot! My corpses are on the brink of rancid."

Tosh grimaced. "Nice."

"You know me, Tosh: I have all the lines."

Ianto sniggered. "That's why he hasn't been laid for three months."

"I'll have you know, I'm waiting for a _meaningful_ relationship," sniffed Owen.

Jack and Ianto smirked. "T'awwww," they chorused.

"'_Meaningful_'," mimicked Jack.

"You're such girl," Ianto rolled his eyes.

Toshiko batted his arm across the table. "I think it's about time Owen thought about slowing down a bit."

"Of course you do," Gwen muttered into her wine. "We all do," she added.

"Mmm," agreed Jack. "Slowing down would be good for you, Owen. You are getting on a bit now."

Owen mock-gasped. "From the mouth of the cradle-robber," he retorted.

"Fine me a one-hundred-and-fifty-year-old broad, and it's a date," shrugged Jack.

Ianto lifted his pint to his lips. "There's always Case: #BD-002," he reminded them before sipping it.

Toshiko, Owen and Jack all pulled faces and laughed.

"What's Case blah blah two?" Gwen asked.

"Ugh," Jack grimaced. "Think … swamp monster that lives to be three hundred. Then replace 'swamp' with 'sewage plant'."

Ianto smirked. "She liked you though. What was it she said?"

Owen began a theatrical rendition. "Gurgle, Gargle! I need your seed, oh Handsome Land man!"

"I rarely say 'No' to a desperate woman, but I wasn't sticking my- "

"Braised steak sandwich; no salad?" interrupted the harried waitress, flashing Jack a smile as she set his meal in front of him. "And with?" she offered, flashing an equal smile to Ianto. "... and black and blue burger?"

Owen's expression turned sour as she wandered away to get the rest of their food. "Am I really getting old?" he complained. "No smile for me! Jesus – do I have a sign on my head saying-"

"Grumpy? Bad-tempered? Desperate? Usually covered in alien guts?" offered Ianto.

"... I was thinking more along the lines of 'Bad Relationship History'."

Gwen sighed. "Why do the boys always get their food first?" she complained. "It hardly seems fair. What happened to _ladies_ first?"

"Actually," Ianto began. "'Ladies' first' was never about being polite. During unsettled times throughout history, it was thought that if the unimportant ones – that is, the women – went into a compromised building first, they would be killed while the men were left to fight and defeat the enemy."

"I'll drink to that!" grinned Owen, raising his pint. Ianto and Owen chinked glasses, much to Tosh and Gwen's chagrin.

Jack laughed, but kept his glass to himself.

Finally Tosh's sandwich and Gwen's baked potato arrived, and they all tucked in. Jack and Owen pretty much wolfed down their food, while Ianto, Gwen and Toshiko savoured it – they even bothered to taste and chew before swallowing.

"Honestly, Ianto," sighed Owen over a mouthful of deep-friend onion ring. "I can't believe you'd let yourself be seen in public with a _bib_."

"I can't believe you'd let yourself be seen in public with that _face_," Ianto countered, and Owen elbowed him so hard he dropped his braised steak sandwich.

Jack saw the opportunity. As Ianto turned to listen to Owen's reply, he switched his and Ianto's plates around and began work on Ianto's sandwich.

"_Jack_!" Ianto chastised, poking his arm while Owen laughed at him.

Jack tried to beam at him through a mouthful of bread and meat, and the result put Ianto off trying to get his sandwich back, at least.

"So what have we all got planned for the weekend?" asked Gwen, and was met with a chorus of groans.

"Torchwood," Jack shrugged.

"Torchwood," nodded Ianto.

"Torchwood," sighed Toshiko.

"Finding me a woman. And Torchwood," Owen grumbled.

Gwen grinned. "Well, I said to Rhys a couple of weeks ago that I wouldn't mind going to Alton Towers, but that's a bit far away. Instead we're going to have a day in Blackpool, which is lovely because I've never been."

"You're never been to Blackpool?" Ianto asked, wide-eyed.

"Me neither," Owen shrugged.

"I've been to Blackpool," clarified Gwen. "I've just never been to the Pleasure Beach."

Jack dropped Ianto's sandwich in shock. "You've never been to Blackpool Pleasure Beach?"

Ianto cleared his throat. "I thinks she means the Pleasure Beach with the rides, not the one you're thinking of."

Jack's eyes shiftily moved from side to side. "Yeah …." he agreed edgily. "That's the one I was talking about. What other one is there? There isn't one. Nope. Only rides. As in roller coasters."

"Shut up, Jack," Ianto urged. "Eat your sandwich."

Jack dutifully did as he was told, shovelling down the last few bits of bread and meat and mayonnaise.

Tosh sipped her wine. "You'll have to show us the photos of you and and Rhys on all the rides," she suggested.

"Oh dear God, no! I always look demented in those photos!"

"Me too," chorused everyone except Jack.

"Jack goes on every ride twice," Ianto explained. "He likes to figure out where the camera is so he can pose for it second time around."

Captain Jack grinned. "Gotta keep up appearances! Ianto always just looks bored, though -ow!" he added as a foot landed on his.

"You two went to a theme park?" Gwen asked. "When did you go to a theme park?"

"We had a day off," shrugged Ianto. "Just … drove and drove. Wound up in Blackpool. How are you planning to get there?"

"We're driving," nodded Gwen. "The car parks will probably be extortionate, but I really can't be bothered with trains. And then afterwards we can drive down the Golden Mile."

"Ahh yes. Jack and I did that, too," nodded Ianto.

Jack frowned. "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that? -ow!" Another foot landed on his.

"Not _that_. Blackpool illuminations!"

Toshiko was smirking. "What other 'Golden Mile' is there?" she asked.

"My round!" Ianto announced, jumping to his feet and forcing Jack to get up and let him out, tugging out the napkin tucked into his collar and leaving it on the table.

"So … ?" urged Gwen, "What other 'Golden Mile' … ?"

Jack shook his head. "Leave it, you two. I'd much rather go the rest of eternity with my penis still attached – even if I would most probably be able to find uses for it."

They all made 'ugh' sounds and grimaced as Jack grinned.

Falling into a comfortable silence as Owen stretched and yawned, Jack leaned back in his chair to try and spot where Ianto was with the second round of [really non-alcoholic  
this time] drinks.

The Captain let out a long breath. "Y'know what I could really, really do with right now …." he sighed, but was cut off from answering as a very panic-stricken Ianto suddenly dived under the table.

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed Gwen. "You _have_ got him well trained!"

She laughed as a finger poked her calf non too gently.

"What's the matter, love?" she asked.

"My ex-girlfriend's brother is by the bar!" he stage-whispered.

Owen half-stood to get a look at the two fellas by the bar. "I thought Lisa was black?"

A fist collided with his leg and he landed back in his seat, rubbing where it was about to bruise. "Ow!"

"I've had more girlfriends than Lisa, tit. The thing with Claire … ended badly …."

Owen mumbled low, "Can't have ended worse than Lisa ….", but thankfully no one heard him.

"Who was 'Claire'?" asked Jack.

"They've moved from the bar now," Toshiko said, sticking her head under the table to smile. Ianto climbed back into his seat between Owen and Jack.

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Claire was from sixth-form. I was … sort of her first. That means her brother will hate me until I die."

"I'm sure it can't be that bad," shrugged Gwen.

"Yeah? I _have_ a sister, and if I ever get my hands on James Hawkins …."

Ianto didn't finish his sentence as he dived under the table again.

Owen stuck his head under. He drew in breath to speak.

"How's the shoulder?" Ianto cut him off.

"Touché," Owen conceded, sitting up again and subconsciously scratching the bullet's exit wound. "He's gone now," he called down.

Ianto poked his head over the edge of the table, and sat down in his seat again. "Could we skip dessert?" he asked with a weak laugh.

"You're overreacting!" grinned Jack, clapping him on the back. "I bet if you really thought about it, you wouldn't even be that pissed off at Royal Navy Hawkins."

Ianto glared at him. "... and how exactly do you know Hawkins was in the Royal Navy?"

Jack's smile faded. "I … er … um … _ahem_ …." He stared down at the table for a second. "I'll wait in the car," he said quickly, and made his escape.

Ianto stared at the spot Jack had occupied. He turned to the others, who were starting to pull their coats on as Owen went to settle the bill. "You don't think … ?"

The girls pursed their lips, and shook their heads quickly, following Jack out.

"Oi! IANTO!" Owen called from the bar. "You got a quid to lend?"

"Ianto? Ianto Jones?" another voice called, and Ianto made eye contact with Claire's brother.

"Fuck!" he breathed. He threw a pound coin in Owen's general direction. "I'll wait in the car!" he yelled back as he literally ran to the door, out into the car park, overtaking Gwen and Toshiko and climbing into the front passenger seat of the SUV. He slid down into the foot well as Jack gave him an odd look from behind the wheel. "Claire's brother saw me," he explained.

"Still wanna kill you?"

"A bit," he nodded, then glared. "I'll deal with you later!"

Jack grinned.

"Not in the good way!" Ianto snapped, exasperated.

The back doors clunked as Tosh and Gwen climbed in, and Ianto remained in the foot well until Owen arrived and grumbled as he was forced to sit in the back again.

"We're big, manly men!" Jack grinned as Ianto fastened his seatbelt and kept a lookout for the Brother. "We need our space! You're all skinny and spindly."

"You both fit into that camp bed," Gwen pointed out as Jack pulled out of the car park.

"We do _not_," Ianto scowled, and they all groaned as Toshiko's PDA started beeping angrily.

"UFO," she sighed. "Looks hostile."

"Pfft," grumbled Jack. "Back to work then …."


End file.
